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Lately I've found myself thinking the old thoughts that eventually come back around to haunt me, every now and then. Usually when I'm feeling a bit down and burnt out, and wondering how I got here and if the path I've chosen is the path which I'm meant to be on.
You can look outside your window and picture a million things. A life that you should be living. A life that you are living. And a life that you want to be living. Neither are necessarily one and the same.
I know that life that I want to be living. I know that I'm not living that life right now. I know that the life that I am living is the best way to reach the life that I want to be living. Confused yet?
I hate self help books. Easy solutions to happiness in an easy to swallow format. But probably the best advice I've ever heard comes in that "happiness for dummies" format. Truly. Simply. The secret to happiness is.... Drumroll...
Find what makes you happy. And do it.
Period.
Problem is, I know what makes me happy. And I'm not doing it. But if I did it, I would eventually run out of money to keep doing it, and I would be so unhappy that I can easily imagine the consequences. I've seen too many news stories of Thailand 20th floor balcony jumpers to not be realistic about how things go when you've ignored basic economics and haven't planned out your early retirement accordingly. There's one thing to up and quit in the sake of doing what makes you happy. It's another thing to realize that in your righteous, "tune in, drop out" philosophy, you made a big, big mistake.
So a pointless post, for a pointless question. Do I stay or do I go? In my mind, I choose happiness. And the next flight back home to LOS. In my head? I reach over and set my alarm clock for work 7am tomorrow morning. Sunday morning and back to work. God, it's getting harder and harder to wake up in the morning for work. Especially on a bloody Sunday.
Bodhi
5 comments:
For one moment I thought you had cut off the top of my head and extracted my thoughts. Do I stay or do I go has been the pattern of my life for ten years now and I've decided I can't go until I can afford to stay. There is of course the option of running out of money in a ground floor Thai hotel, but no I'll stay until I can go forever. In the meantime it's three week trips with lots of 12 hour shifts in between. Tiring so bloody tiring.
I recognise a lot of your thoughts! Life isn't that user friendly at times, but on occasions everything comes together and the result is that warm feeling called happiness. How do we sustain it? I don't know. In my case I lurch on into an uncertain future. Very often I come back to a mind game of trying to work out the difference between 'could' and 'should'. 'I could have built a house in Thailand'; or is it, 'I should have built a house in Thailand?' Whatever decisions we make, we should never regret making them. PS I like the new format
Yeah, I realize quite a bit that I'm living a common cliche. My situation is hardly unique. These thoughts and questions are pretty standard for a lot of guys who have chosen the expat life. And the sacrifice now, to enjoy later philosophy. Sometimes I feel I am sacrificing now for later. But more times than not I know that I wouldn't be happy with a 'normal' life off the road.
Right now is not one of those times. It's 7:50am Sunday morning and I'm getting dressed for work. It's hard to comprehend the horror of work on a Sunday.
You made the right choice obviously, Martyn. My questioning is more cathartic than anything. Of course I have to stay. Of course I gotta get dressed now and go into work. Who wants to run out of money in paradise.
Me and you think, and live, a lot like, TF. Usually I'm as upbeat as you. Just living in the desert lately has taken the shine off my road warrior optimism. But I agree you should never have regrets, and more often than not it all comes together and you find some happiness.
Enjoy your Sunday. I won't.
Bodhi
I say go. I have been struggling with the same questions for the past 3 years. I lost my mother recently and am in the process of losing my father and that has helped put things into perspective for me.
We only have this one life and the last thing I will wish on my death bed is that I worked more!
Rich men aren't always happy but happy men are always rich.
As for the jumpers they decided life wasn't worth living well before they jumped and I doubt the decision fell solely to running out of money in LoS. Most of them do the deed in Pattaya...great place to visit but living there and drinking every night then sleeping all day isn't really living.
Sorry to hear about your parents, Talen. Death, especially for those close to you, definitely puts your priorities in perspective.
It's a difficult one, to oversimplify the issue is easy. Sure it's better to live life to the fullest so you have no regrets later. But I think if I truly took that cliche to heart, I probably be burn through all my cash and my health in short order. Life has to have some degree of control to it. And the head does have to win out over the heart often times, to avoid heartache later.
I agree that if you gave up a life of work and mundanity, in trade for a life of endless partying in Pattaya. You'd have been better off staying in your boring old life. You'll live a heck of a lot longer. And be happier in the end.
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